1. Game of Thrones Recap Ep. 6 “A Golden Crown”

    This can be a hard show to watch if you shy away from violence and sex. Fortunately, I had my card punched for a one way ticket to hell about 14 years ago so I have no such hang ups. I imagine if you’re reading this, neither do you, so at least I know I won’t be alone in that lake of fire. Could be worse. You could have colored hot caramel poured all over your head. Then where would you be, Mr. Delicious Head? Dead, that’s where.

    This week opened with Ned waking to see his king and his, ahem, wife standing over him. Cersei accused him of being a whorish drunk and Ned fired back that she was a raging, incestuous See You Next Tuesday. Well, maybe in not so many words. Robert wanted nothing of it because he is but not a man who favors the path of least resistance. He ordered Ned to have Cat release Tyrian and make up with Jamie Lannister. He then put Ned in charge while Robert went on a long hunt.

    Meanwhile in Winterfell, Brann finally got to ride a horse again as the saddle Tyrian designed was completed. Theon rubbed it in about Robb needing to be the man of the house since both Ned and Cat were gone, and Robb told him to mind his own fucking business. I know Theon has got issues what with his own house fallen and he being a ward of the Starks, but Robb was a real dick to him in this scene and particularly the next one. Brann was accosted by some brigands from farther up North, and in the rescue attempt Robb nearly bungled the whole thing. A well-placed arrow from Theon saved the day and scored the Starks a new servant. Hey, wait…

    That looks suspiciously like Natalia Tena, a/k/a Nymphadora Tonks from the Harry Potter movies. Wikipedia pulled through but an initial glance at imdb revealed nothing about this character or this actress. Hmmm, strange. It’s almost as if Harry Potter fans want nothing to do with this show and will militarize to white-wash anyone’s involvement in it. Nah, they aren’t that pathetic, right? I mean, it’s not like they’re a group collectively suffering from arrested development and need to grow the fuck up about matters more serious. I’m totally not trolling a group I belong to here.

    Tyrian, poor chap, had a most rude awakening.

    Indeed, more than once I saw either Caprica or Bill (mostly Bill) stretch and roll right off the bed. Then they would try to play it off like it was nothing. I doubt Tyrian would have been so suave, what with being dead and all. He ended up making a deal with Mord, the jailer of The Eyrie, promising him gold in exchange for getting a message to Lady I’ve-Texted-Your-Bitch-Ass-Sixteen-Motherfucking-Times-Why-Haven’t-You-Called-Me-Back. The sequence that followed was pure gold (not a pun). If Peter Dinklage does not receive some official recognition for his work on this show it will be an outrage. With the help of Bronn, in a most righteous battle of champions, Tyrian won his freedom. It was nice to see Lady Arryan keep to the law of the land, much as it displeased her. There was also this exchange:

    Lady Crazy-head: You do not fight with honor!

    Bronn: No. He did.

    Epic.

    Little Lord Fuck-pants, also called Joffrey, appeared to soften up on Sansa, giving her a gift and promising her a lifetime of queenly stuff. Well that just melted Sansa right down (lots of that going on in this episode) but it was not to last as Ned ordered both Sansa and Arya back to Winterfell. Neither girl was happy about the arrangement but Arya seemed to accept it the quickest. After all, she could keep Syrio and her fighting lessons; Sansa would go alone. Ned promised her to arrange a marriage with a nice Northern (read: Canadian and bland as shit) boy but Sansa wanted nothing of it. In fact, she revealed just how much she cared for Joffrey.

    Finally, Viserys Targaryen met his maker this episode in a scene that had a Tension to Minutes ratio of 250:1. I know it’s satisfying to see a villain get his comeuppance, but there’s always the enjoyment of a slow burn. Also, glibness aside, that has got to be one of the worst ways to die, and Harry Lloyd sold it brilliantly. Oh, and I should clear something up. I’ve heard people (read=Goons) speculate that Daenerys doesn’t appear to feel pain or get burned because she’s suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. Even after she says, “He wasn’t a dragon. A dragon can’t be killed by fire,” those goons still think she’s the fragile broken creature. Sure, not only does PTSD numb you from pain, but it also prevent your skin from physically burning and scarring. Idiots. I hate it when people try to project real world bullshit into fantasy shows.

    Episode 7, while shown after episode 6 Sunday night, will not be recapped until next week, after it has aired properly. Thanks for reading!

    - Dave

    blog comments powered by Disqus