1. Game of Thrones Recap Ep. 6 “A Golden Crown”

    This can be a hard show to watch if you shy away from violence and sex. Fortunately, I had my card punched for a one way ticket to hell about 14 years ago so I have no such hang ups. I imagine if you’re reading this, neither do you, so at least I know I won’t be alone in that lake of fire. Could be worse. You could have colored hot caramel poured all over your head. Then where would you be, Mr. Delicious Head? Dead, that’s where.

    This week opened with Ned waking to see his king and his, ahem, wife standing over him. Cersei accused him of being a whorish drunk and Ned fired back that she was a raging, incestuous See You Next Tuesday. Well, maybe in not so many words. Robert wanted nothing of it because he is but not a man who favors the path of least resistance. He ordered Ned to have Cat release Tyrian and make up with Jamie Lannister. He then put Ned in charge while Robert went on a long hunt.

    Meanwhile in Winterfell, Brann finally got to ride a horse again as the saddle Tyrian designed was completed. Theon rubbed it in about Robb needing to be the man of the house since both Ned and Cat were gone, and Robb told him to mind his own fucking business. I know Theon has got issues what with his own house fallen and he being a ward of the Starks, but Robb was a real dick to him in this scene and particularly the next one. Brann was accosted by some brigands from farther up North, and in the rescue attempt Robb nearly bungled the whole thing. A well-placed arrow from Theon saved the day and scored the Starks a new servant. Hey, wait…

    That looks suspiciously like Natalia Tena, a/k/a Nymphadora Tonks from the Harry Potter movies. Wikipedia pulled through but an initial glance at imdb revealed nothing about this character or this actress. Hmmm, strange. It’s almost as if Harry Potter fans want nothing to do with this show and will militarize to white-wash anyone’s involvement in it. Nah, they aren’t that pathetic, right? I mean, it’s not like they’re a group collectively suffering from arrested development and need to grow the fuck up about matters more serious. I’m totally not trolling a group I belong to here.

    Tyrian, poor chap, had a most rude awakening.

    Indeed, more than once I saw either Caprica or Bill (mostly Bill) stretch and roll right off the bed. Then they would try to play it off like it was nothing. I doubt Tyrian would have been so suave, what with being dead and all. He ended up making a deal with Mord, the jailer of The Eyrie, promising him gold in exchange for getting a message to Lady I’ve-Texted-Your-Bitch-Ass-Sixteen-Motherfucking-Times-Why-Haven’t-You-Called-Me-Back. The sequence that followed was pure gold (not a pun). If Peter Dinklage does not receive some official recognition for his work on this show it will be an outrage. With the help of Bronn, in a most righteous battle of champions, Tyrian won his freedom. It was nice to see Lady Arryan keep to the law of the land, much as it displeased her. There was also this exchange:

    Lady Crazy-head: You do not fight with honor!

    Bronn: No. He did.

    Epic.

    Little Lord Fuck-pants, also called Joffrey, appeared to soften up on Sansa, giving her a gift and promising her a lifetime of queenly stuff. Well that just melted Sansa right down (lots of that going on in this episode) but it was not to last as Ned ordered both Sansa and Arya back to Winterfell. Neither girl was happy about the arrangement but Arya seemed to accept it the quickest. After all, she could keep Syrio and her fighting lessons; Sansa would go alone. Ned promised her to arrange a marriage with a nice Northern (read: Canadian and bland as shit) boy but Sansa wanted nothing of it. In fact, she revealed just how much she cared for Joffrey.

    Finally, Viserys Targaryen met his maker this episode in a scene that had a Tension to Minutes ratio of 250:1. I know it’s satisfying to see a villain get his comeuppance, but there’s always the enjoyment of a slow burn. Also, glibness aside, that has got to be one of the worst ways to die, and Harry Lloyd sold it brilliantly. Oh, and I should clear something up. I’ve heard people (read=Goons) speculate that Daenerys doesn’t appear to feel pain or get burned because she’s suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. Even after she says, “He wasn’t a dragon. A dragon can’t be killed by fire,” those goons still think she’s the fragile broken creature. Sure, not only does PTSD numb you from pain, but it also prevent your skin from physically burning and scarring. Idiots. I hate it when people try to project real world bullshit into fantasy shows.

    Episode 7, while shown after episode 6 Sunday night, will not be recapped until next week, after it has aired properly. Thanks for reading!

    - Dave

  2. Viggo or Vigo Viggo Mortenson in a remake he acted in just to cash in a check. Or something. Somewhere. In an alternate universe. (Via themoviedoc) - Dave

    Viggo or Vigo

    Viggo Mortenson in a remake he acted in just to cash in a check. Or something. Somewhere. In an alternate universe.

    (Via themoviedoc)

    - Dave

  3. Warner Bros. Still Chasing That Wizard Woo

    Note to The Hollywood Reporter: When you’re going to run with the title “Warner Bros. Conjures ‘Merlin’ Tentpole” you might want to make sure the kids are out of the room.

    As the bean counters look towards the future for Warner Bros., the prospects must seem grim indeed. After all, these days a studio needs either an EPIC-HIT like Avatar or several MEGA-HITS in a year, else they start grousing about being in the poor house. Looking to grasp onto that sweet, sweet Harry Potter pie, the studio is jumping headfirst into a new Wizarding World (hey, aren’t they distributing The Hobbit too? Those greedy bastards!) 

    Donald De Line (Green Lantern) is producing what is basically an origin story of the mythical wizard. The film will trace Merlin’s journey from being a boy washed on the shores of Wales with no memory and no home, to him becoming a young man learning to use his powers and ultimately defender of the natural world and eventual mentor to King Arthur.

    Don’t those kooks remember what happened to every other fantasy franchise launched during Potter’s run? Eregon didn’t do shit, Lemony Snicket went unnoticed, Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief…give me a break! What we’re left with now in terms of fantasy that’s actually profitable are the sword and sandal movies like Clash of the Titans and Conan. You know, films for guys to use as proxies for their lost masculinity and not get bogged down in fairy crap. The bigger problem for the studios is that there has not been a fantasy series since the late 90’s that has sold as well as Harry Potter. That’s why it came with such a massive built audience, one which included a sizable number of girls.

    Maybe they need to launch a summer reading campaign… . AHAHAHAHAHAHAH, HO HO HO, that was rich! A studio trying to get kids to read?! Oh how do I come up with this stuff?

    - Dave

  4. A Christmas Vacation 2 Was Made?! I guess so. A TV movie was made and apparently no one saw it. I found a review for it on YouTube, and this guy admits his taste in comedies is shit and he still hated this movie. - Dave

    A Christmas Vacation 2 Was Made?!

    I guess so. A TV movie was made and apparently no one saw it. I found a review for it on YouTube, and this guy admits his taste in comedies is shit and he still hated this movie.

    - Dave

  5. Medusa Is Giving You A Seizure - Dave

    Medusa Is Giving You A Seizure

    - Dave

  6. totalfilm: Awful poster of the day, hint: its for an upcoming Spider-based movie… #cannes (Taken with instagram) Huh. I wonder what it could be about!  - Dave

    totalfilm:

    Awful poster of the day, hint: its for an upcoming Spider-based movie… #cannes (Taken with instagram)

    Huh. I wonder what it could be about! 

    - Dave

  7. Game of Thrones Recap: Ep 4 “Cripples, Bastards and Broken Things”

    It’s kind of hard being the only one of your friends who likes something, but that’s the position I find myself in with Game of Thrones. It’s not that they dislike the show outright, it’s just that after three episodes they don’t know how to feel about it. This is kind of strange to me as it’s just a tv show and you’re either into it or your not. On the other hand, the only fantasy my friends really know is Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings, so I can’t really fault them for going, “Where da’ dragons at? Yo, this is bullshit imma go check that Kardashian ass out on E!” Now that I think about it I should really get new friends. 

    This week introduced a new character from the books, Samwell. Sam is the avatar of George R. R. Martin’s contempt for his fans. Oh it’s true. It’s damn true. You might like to believe there is a symbiotic relationship between author and reader, but the sad fact many genre authors see their fans as pathetic basement dwelling social retards. 

    Yes, Sam the Neckbeard joined the Night Watch because his father threatened to kill him if he didn’t. Many a night  Sam would stay up late coloring new Ponytars to use on Something Westeros Awful, a practice that made Sam grow soft and cowardly. Jon Snow, appalled by the conditions of The Wall to begin with, took pity on Sam and became his friend. For this he was told he would die in the cold, dark wasteland beyond The Wall…maybe.

    Peter Dinklage continued kicking ass as The Imp, bringing a subtle “This is EXACTLY how many fucks I give” attitude to the role. I’m having a hard time deciding who my favorite character is; it’s actually neck and neck between Arya and Tyrian. His visit and gift to Brann is sure to create more problems than it helps, at least with Lady Stark, who went Mama Grizzly this week. I don’t think The Imp will be, hmmmm, how to put this delicately, having sexual intercourse with prostitutes in the near future. 

    Ned continued his investigation into the death of Jon Arryn, and with the help of Littlefinger he discovered this delightful chap:

    Ser Hugh! Yes, that’s SER Hugh, you bloody plebe. Hugh’s former master was none other than Jon Arryn (wouldn’t you know I keep wanting to spell his name Arryan, which is also spelled Chris Hemsworth). Sadly, Hugh is kind of an asshole and before Ned could learn anything of use from this *ahem* puffed up popinjay the Lannisters have him dispatched at the tournament.  About that scene, it’s not TV, it’s HBO. I don’t think Sansa Stark slept well that night. 

    Speaking of it was kind of awesome seeing Littlefinger play her like a fiddle. He put the fear of The Hound into her for…reasons yet to be explained. Arya, however, was not impressed to say the least.

    Arya: Oi! Why do they call you Littlefinger?

    Lord Baelish: Well, you see little girl it’s a euphemism for my cock.

    Maybe the scene didn’t happen quite that way. The tournament, to be honest, was kind of a letdown. I thought it was going the Mid-Season Money Shot but instead what we got was this:

    Camelyn-Stock 2005 in Randland was way more of a rocking event, take it from me. I got so wasted that year I thought I could channel the One Power. Turns out the ale had gone bad and I spent the next 6 months in a Tear prison camp for knocking up a Aes Sedai. Seriously, one joust that ends in a bloody gurgle? If I were King Robert I’d…well he’s already drinking, so he’s got that covered. I don’t know if Drunken Stupor is the legacy I’d want to leave behind. 

    Daenerys asserted herself and, while awesome, I’m not sure I quite buy her yet as a leader. Still, a long way to go until episode 10. I now leave you with this shot of Jason Momoa, star of this year’s Conan the Barbarian and Khal Drogo on Game of Thrones. Before all of that he starred on a little show called Baywatch.

    - Dave

  8. goldenfiddle: Zero favors. Juno as re-imagined by David Lynch? Could that not be constituted as child obscenity? Just sayin’! 

    goldenfiddle:

    Zero favors.

    Juno as re-imagined by David Lynch? Could that not be constituted as child obscenity? Just sayin’! 

  9. Final Destination 5 Trailer - I’ve seen every single Final Destination movie just like I’ve seen every single Saw movie. These are things I am not proud of nor do I feel any real shame. 

    The trailer for the fifth (god) movie is out and at least this time Tony Todd gets some more work. Good for him.

    [via assortedhappiness]

    - Dave

  10. Alice in Wonderland Title Card 1903? - I put it as a question because I’m just not sure where this GIF comes from. Alice in Wonderland has been put to film over 20 times since the beginning of the 20th century. After the 1903 version it wasn’t until 1915 another version was filmed. (You hear that, Sony? Back in those days people waited before remaking a film!) The 1915 version, directed by W. W. Young, is available to view online. It does not, however, contain the title card seen above. Either way, sweet dreams.  - Dave

    Alice in Wonderland Title Card 1903? - I put it as a question because I’m just not sure where this GIF comes from. Alice in Wonderland has been put to film over 20 times since the beginning of the 20th century. After the 1903 version it wasn’t until 1915 another version was filmed. (You hear that, Sony? Back in those days people waited before remaking a film!)

    The 1915 version, directed by W. W. Young, is available to view online. It does not, however, contain the title card seen above. Either way, sweet dreams. 

    - Dave

  11. Avengers Casting: This Is A Joke, Right? - Click the pic for bigness. I mean I get the main characters in the middle but The Rock as Sub Mariner? Am I just completely out of touch with comic book movie news or is this taking the piss out of an old rumor? [via reddit] - Dave

    Avengers Casting: This Is A Joke, Right? - Click the pic for bigness. I mean I get the main characters in the middle but The Rock as Sub Mariner? Am I just completely out of touch with comic book movie news or is this taking the piss out of an old rumor?

    [via reddit]

    - Dave

  12. Lord of The Rings Getting Theater Re-Release

    Oh Warner Bros., are you so nervous about Harry Potter apparating away forever in July?

    Theonering.net has this:

    To help celebrate the release of The Lord of the Rings Trilogy on Blu-ray (June 28th), Warner Brothers has chosen select theaters in the US to show all three films in their extended form

    Let’s be clear, what they are releasing on Blu-Ray in June are the Extended Editions. You could make the argument that this isn’t entirely a double dip but here’s hoping at least the transfer quality is better this go round than the last LOTR was released on BD.

    As far as the event in June, the movies will be shown on three different dates. I am quite positive, however, there are more than a few basement dwelling nerds willing to don their wizard robes and sit in a darkened movie theater for nearly 12 hours.

    Should you be interested, this file has a list of all participating theaters (warning .pdf). 

    - Dave

  13. Notes On A Game of Thrones “The Kingsroad”

    The word I was looking for to describe HBO’s new show A Game of Thrones on last night’s Rotcast was lascivious. I really enjoyed the pilot episode and was pleased that the network kept the show true to the spirit of the book. That spirit, however, is certainly not safe for work.

    I hoped that the second episode would prove the show could keep up its initial momentum. “The Kingsroad” proved quite decisively this is a show that is unlikely to slow down. This week we got to learn more about Jon Snow, the bastard son of Eddard Stark. I think the most revealing details can be portrayed not through dialogue but through actions. Arya’s leaping into his arms and Robb’s sincere hug goodbye laid out more backstory exposition than anything said between the characters.

    The production design on this show is really top notch. HBO certainly should be proud that every dime they spend is right there on screen, such as when we get a first glimpse at The Wall. Jon was teased earlier in the episode by Jaime Lannister for his decision to join the Night Watch. Joining means Jon has to take a vow of celibacy and live with a bunch of dudes in the harsh, frozen environments of the north. My face would be apprehensive too if met with this imposing sight:

    Yikes but I would not want to be under the age of 12 living at that place, nyuck-nyuck. Alas, this would be the only glimpsed seen of The Wall this episode.

    Kudos to the casting director for getting Jack Gleeson on this show, whose previous credits include playing Little Boy in Nolan’s Batman Begins. Joffrey is a little shit in the book for sure but Jack brings that effeminate Little Lord FuckPants look the role desperately needed. I mean, look at this face:

    I’d be nervous as fuck if I knew this little twerp had even a modicum of power.

    Somehow I didn’t think that kind of sass would go over well, and sure enough Joffery was a little bitch about the whole thing. It was quite awesome to see Arya turn the tables on him and I hope to see the following expression on his face more often this season:

    As gratifying as that sequence was, it was bound to have consequences as only inferior shows have villains get their comeuppance so soon. A Game of Thrones will frustrate fans of swift and righteous justice for sure. I thought they might ride the Sansa hate out a little more, but it was hard for to me sustain it after she was double crossed by Cersei.

    Speaking of, Lena Headey is doing a fantastic job of making you forget she’s Lena Headey. I’m reminded of what I overheard some pretentious wanker say after our screening of Win-Win was over. He was talking about Amy Ryan and said, “She’s such a transformative actress.” Um, first of all, she was a whore… I mean, first of all, she was pretty freaking average in that movie and aren’t all actresses supposed to be “transformative?” Lena Headey, however, is a good example of a word that doesn’t even mean anything. “Transformative?” What the hell are our schools teaching? Anyway, compare her in this show to, say, The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Pretty stark difference if you ask me!

    My name is Dave and I give “The Kingsroad” a yes.