1. Game of Thrones Ep. 7 “You Win or You Die”

    This episode was filled with exposition, which is more than likely why HBO decided to show it a week early for people with iPads. A serialized show like this normally has one or two big, BIG episodes that they spend a good chunk of their overall budget on. This means other episodes have to be smaller in order to balance the budget out. Last season on Breaking Bad, this led to the episode called “Fly” which ended up being one of my favorites of the year. “You Win or You Die,” however, did not meet with the same level of quiet intensity.

    Tywin Lannister was introduced for the first time and… .do you have to drain an animal before skinning it? I would think the mess would be rather copious if you didn’t. Also, I’ll never look at skinning an animal in WoW the same way again. After browbeating Jaime for being an arrogant prick whom doesn’t know when to finish a job, he told him to take 30k men and go get The Imp back. Little did they realize Tyrion already secured his own release, leaving 30,000 soldiers with no goal to find. I wonder what they’ll do.

    Littlefinger spent a scene criticizing Western pornography; all flash, no truth. Shit, he could have been talking about Western advertising as well. 

    Alas, poor Robert, I knew him well enough as a tv viewer. Ned, after verbally sparring with Cersei, received word that Robert was mortally wounded on the hunting trip. Joffery sat by his father’s deathbed (the bed that eats people) showing genuine anguish. I give Jack Gleeson a lot of credit for just this brief moment, but I have to wonder why Robert’s other “children” weren’t present. He has more than one. (At least he believes they are his). Robert ordered Ned to be interim king until Joffery turned 18(?) and Ned, not wanting to send Robert to the hereafter with heartache, agreed to honor his legacy. With that, Robert was sent to meet his maker.

    The plot to kill Dany still held and an attempt was made on her life this episode. I must say the attempt was one that had way too much set-up predicated on random chance. I mean, unless the merchant knew Dany frequented that market he had to have been just waiting for the right moment for who knows how long. The guy playing the assassin better have gotten paid more than scale given what was asked of him.

    Assistant Director: Hey, brah, in this scene you need strip down and be dragged by this horse.

    Naked Assassin: I wonder if The United States of Tara is casting.

    I would think the Spider would employ a more efficient method of execution, unless of course this was his game the whole time. Hmmm, yes, a deliberately botched assassination attempt could strengthen Dany’s resolve and give Khal’Drogo the motivation to cross the sea. 

    Well, hey, that’s just what happened! But first, Jon became a member of the Night Watch for realsies. So did Sam, so there is hope for Neckbeards everywhere. Yes, you too can one day have your virginity made official. Jon thought he was a shoe in for the Rangers but, to his dismay, he became a Steward. Not just any Stewerd, personal assistant to the Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch. Jon felt he was getting screwed but Sam put it all in perspective; Jon would be groomed for leadership. Not to mention, the Lord Commander might have need for a proxy outside The Wall only he can trust. Of this entire episode, this was my favorite scene, as I really enjoyed Jon and Sam in the book. 

    The episode ended with the show “going home.” I know there are 3 episodes left but episode 8 was written by none other the GRRM himself. When things get really bad in Westeros, they get bad really fast. Ned refused to play the game and wanted to do the honorable thing. He summoned Littlefinger to get him to pay off the Gold Cloaks so they would follow Ned when he made his move. That, aha, that didn’t pay off too well for poor Ned. 


    We’re in for a doozy next time. I wouldn’t worry about cat-chasing Arya too much, but Sansa needs to grow up really fast if she wants to keep her head. See you guys next week!

    - Dave

  2. Game of Thrones Recap Ep. 6 “A Golden Crown”

    This can be a hard show to watch if you shy away from violence and sex. Fortunately, I had my card punched for a one way ticket to hell about 14 years ago so I have no such hang ups. I imagine if you’re reading this, neither do you, so at least I know I won’t be alone in that lake of fire. Could be worse. You could have colored hot caramel poured all over your head. Then where would you be, Mr. Delicious Head? Dead, that’s where.

    This week opened with Ned waking to see his king and his, ahem, wife standing over him. Cersei accused him of being a whorish drunk and Ned fired back that she was a raging, incestuous See You Next Tuesday. Well, maybe in not so many words. Robert wanted nothing of it because he is but not a man who favors the path of least resistance. He ordered Ned to have Cat release Tyrian and make up with Jamie Lannister. He then put Ned in charge while Robert went on a long hunt.

    Meanwhile in Winterfell, Brann finally got to ride a horse again as the saddle Tyrian designed was completed. Theon rubbed it in about Robb needing to be the man of the house since both Ned and Cat were gone, and Robb told him to mind his own fucking business. I know Theon has got issues what with his own house fallen and he being a ward of the Starks, but Robb was a real dick to him in this scene and particularly the next one. Brann was accosted by some brigands from farther up North, and in the rescue attempt Robb nearly bungled the whole thing. A well-placed arrow from Theon saved the day and scored the Starks a new servant. Hey, wait…

    That looks suspiciously like Natalia Tena, a/k/a Nymphadora Tonks from the Harry Potter movies. Wikipedia pulled through but an initial glance at imdb revealed nothing about this character or this actress. Hmmm, strange. It’s almost as if Harry Potter fans want nothing to do with this show and will militarize to white-wash anyone’s involvement in it. Nah, they aren’t that pathetic, right? I mean, it’s not like they’re a group collectively suffering from arrested development and need to grow the fuck up about matters more serious. I’m totally not trolling a group I belong to here.

    Tyrian, poor chap, had a most rude awakening.

    Indeed, more than once I saw either Caprica or Bill (mostly Bill) stretch and roll right off the bed. Then they would try to play it off like it was nothing. I doubt Tyrian would have been so suave, what with being dead and all. He ended up making a deal with Mord, the jailer of The Eyrie, promising him gold in exchange for getting a message to Lady I’ve-Texted-Your-Bitch-Ass-Sixteen-Motherfucking-Times-Why-Haven’t-You-Called-Me-Back. The sequence that followed was pure gold (not a pun). If Peter Dinklage does not receive some official recognition for his work on this show it will be an outrage. With the help of Bronn, in a most righteous battle of champions, Tyrian won his freedom. It was nice to see Lady Arryan keep to the law of the land, much as it displeased her. There was also this exchange:

    Lady Crazy-head: You do not fight with honor!

    Bronn: No. He did.

    Epic.

    Little Lord Fuck-pants, also called Joffrey, appeared to soften up on Sansa, giving her a gift and promising her a lifetime of queenly stuff. Well that just melted Sansa right down (lots of that going on in this episode) but it was not to last as Ned ordered both Sansa and Arya back to Winterfell. Neither girl was happy about the arrangement but Arya seemed to accept it the quickest. After all, she could keep Syrio and her fighting lessons; Sansa would go alone. Ned promised her to arrange a marriage with a nice Northern (read: Canadian and bland as shit) boy but Sansa wanted nothing of it. In fact, she revealed just how much she cared for Joffrey.

    Finally, Viserys Targaryen met his maker this episode in a scene that had a Tension to Minutes ratio of 250:1. I know it’s satisfying to see a villain get his comeuppance, but there’s always the enjoyment of a slow burn. Also, glibness aside, that has got to be one of the worst ways to die, and Harry Lloyd sold it brilliantly. Oh, and I should clear something up. I’ve heard people (read=Goons) speculate that Daenerys doesn’t appear to feel pain or get burned because she’s suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. Even after she says, “He wasn’t a dragon. A dragon can’t be killed by fire,” those goons still think she’s the fragile broken creature. Sure, not only does PTSD numb you from pain, but it also prevent your skin from physically burning and scarring. Idiots. I hate it when people try to project real world bullshit into fantasy shows.

    Episode 7, while shown after episode 6 Sunday night, will not be recapped until next week, after it has aired properly. Thanks for reading!

    - Dave

  3. Game of Thrones Recap Episode 5 “The Wolf and the Lion” 

    I’ve watched this episode twice now, does that make me a pervert? I tried to tell Andrew and James way back when on The Rotcast that this show was icky and filthy but they didn’t believe me. “How can a fantasy show have tits, Dave? Girls and fantasy don’t mix, Hermione Granger not withstanding.” Idiots. I hope they’re happy because this show also had cocks. 

    The show started with Ned trying to figure out how Ser Hugh rose to stardom only to become so much wormfood. He learned only that Hugh was a loner and King Robert was planning on jousting himself. Not having any of that foolishness, Ned went to talk him out of it. It was there the show finally starting giving back to the women in the crowd.

    That’s right. This scene set up Ned starting to finally realize his friend had become something different, something more…drunk. At the joust we were introduced to this shows Legolas, the dashing Ser Loras Tyrell. Now when I say “this show’s Legolas” I mean a character girls can desire because he looks like one and that makes me them sexually confused, more so than they already are. Misogyny, ha! Oh but this young lad is not for our girls, no siree bob.

    Girl: Mommy, what is that boy doing to that man’s waist?

    Mother: Haven’t I told you to go to bed already?

    Ah, who am I kidding? Kids today know more about sex than a French whore. Thanks, internet. Arya continued her dancing lessons, this time literally chasing a cat around the grounds. She ended up in a basement of some sorts where viewers finally got a look at “da’ dragons.” If you had picked episode 5 for first appearance, you won your office pool even though technically they were dragon skulls. Still counts. You can point naysaying bitches to this post. Anyway, Arya overheard Varys the Spider gabbing with Ser Jorah, who clearly traveled a hell of a long way. She learned, well, she learned the plot of the first book in A Song of Ice and Fire and went to spoil it to her father since he, you know, is a part of it. He was about to lay the verbal smackdown on her for being missing when a member of the Night Watch came to say Catelyn Stark had taken The Imp.

    Yeah, taken him to The Eyrie, a big tower connected only to land by a narrow stone bridge. The perfect place for important people to flee, refugee like, in a later episode. Cat reached her sister’s no longer 100% sure of The Imp’s involvement in the Lannisters’ shenanigans. He saved her life during an Hill People ambush and successfully planted the seed of doubt when the party reached The Vale. Unfortunately, Cat hadn’t seen her sister in some time, nor her nephew.

    Wow this was a loaded scene. I could easily see Sansa Stark sitting on that throne, breast feeding an eight year old boy. Not as she is right now, you pervs, but growing into batshit crazy the way some people ease into a hot-tub. Even Cat’s face during this scene showed she could tell the score and it read “Insanity - 6 Lysa Arran - 0”. Poor Tyran was thrown in an open air dungeon, his only method of escape involving time, patience, and someone opening the door for him. Hope he doesn’t have vertigo. 

    Girl: Mommy, why can’t that little girl walk?

    Mother: That’s not a little girl, that’s Brann Stark. Go to bed!

    Normally the end of the third act gives me what I like to call the Douche Moment of the show, but episode 5 didn’t have that. Instead it was jam packed with intrigue as King Robert learned about Daenerys’ pregnancy and raged most righteous. Ned wanted nothing to do with the plot to kill her and her child so promptly resigned when pressured. As he was packing to leave, Littlefinger showed up to take Ned to the last person Jon Arryan visited, but it ended up being just another bastard child. As he was leaving, Jamie showed up, having learned of his brother’s arrest. Ned called an audible and took the full responsibility, protecting his wife. For that Jamie had his men killed and Ned hobbled. I couldn’t quite figure out why Jamie just rode off at the end of the scene instead of taking Ned prisoner. But then, it wasn’t like Ned was going anywhere. Jamie probably need to go let off some steam, relax. Maybe listen to some music.

            

    5 episodes down, 5 to go. 

    - Dave

  4. Game of Thrones Recap: Ep 4 “Cripples, Bastards and Broken Things”

    It’s kind of hard being the only one of your friends who likes something, but that’s the position I find myself in with Game of Thrones. It’s not that they dislike the show outright, it’s just that after three episodes they don’t know how to feel about it. This is kind of strange to me as it’s just a tv show and you’re either into it or your not. On the other hand, the only fantasy my friends really know is Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings, so I can’t really fault them for going, “Where da’ dragons at? Yo, this is bullshit imma go check that Kardashian ass out on E!” Now that I think about it I should really get new friends. 

    This week introduced a new character from the books, Samwell. Sam is the avatar of George R. R. Martin’s contempt for his fans. Oh it’s true. It’s damn true. You might like to believe there is a symbiotic relationship between author and reader, but the sad fact many genre authors see their fans as pathetic basement dwelling social retards. 

    Yes, Sam the Neckbeard joined the Night Watch because his father threatened to kill him if he didn’t. Many a night  Sam would stay up late coloring new Ponytars to use on Something Westeros Awful, a practice that made Sam grow soft and cowardly. Jon Snow, appalled by the conditions of The Wall to begin with, took pity on Sam and became his friend. For this he was told he would die in the cold, dark wasteland beyond The Wall…maybe.

    Peter Dinklage continued kicking ass as The Imp, bringing a subtle “This is EXACTLY how many fucks I give” attitude to the role. I’m having a hard time deciding who my favorite character is; it’s actually neck and neck between Arya and Tyrian. His visit and gift to Brann is sure to create more problems than it helps, at least with Lady Stark, who went Mama Grizzly this week. I don’t think The Imp will be, hmmmm, how to put this delicately, having sexual intercourse with prostitutes in the near future. 

    Ned continued his investigation into the death of Jon Arryn, and with the help of Littlefinger he discovered this delightful chap:

    Ser Hugh! Yes, that’s SER Hugh, you bloody plebe. Hugh’s former master was none other than Jon Arryn (wouldn’t you know I keep wanting to spell his name Arryan, which is also spelled Chris Hemsworth). Sadly, Hugh is kind of an asshole and before Ned could learn anything of use from this *ahem* puffed up popinjay the Lannisters have him dispatched at the tournament.  About that scene, it’s not TV, it’s HBO. I don’t think Sansa Stark slept well that night. 

    Speaking of it was kind of awesome seeing Littlefinger play her like a fiddle. He put the fear of The Hound into her for…reasons yet to be explained. Arya, however, was not impressed to say the least.

    Arya: Oi! Why do they call you Littlefinger?

    Lord Baelish: Well, you see little girl it’s a euphemism for my cock.

    Maybe the scene didn’t happen quite that way. The tournament, to be honest, was kind of a letdown. I thought it was going the Mid-Season Money Shot but instead what we got was this:

    Camelyn-Stock 2005 in Randland was way more of a rocking event, take it from me. I got so wasted that year I thought I could channel the One Power. Turns out the ale had gone bad and I spent the next 6 months in a Tear prison camp for knocking up a Aes Sedai. Seriously, one joust that ends in a bloody gurgle? If I were King Robert I’d…well he’s already drinking, so he’s got that covered. I don’t know if Drunken Stupor is the legacy I’d want to leave behind. 

    Daenerys asserted herself and, while awesome, I’m not sure I quite buy her yet as a leader. Still, a long way to go until episode 10. I now leave you with this shot of Jason Momoa, star of this year’s Conan the Barbarian and Khal Drogo on Game of Thrones. Before all of that he starred on a little show called Baywatch.

    - Dave

  5. Notes On Games of Thrones Episode 3 “Lord Snow”

    I’m just come right out and say this is the best show on television right now. All apologies to James and his unabashed adoration of AMC’s The Killing. I’m predisposed to Game of Thrones by having read the first book and a long time love affair with serialized television. 

    Big props to whomever is the location scout for this show. Right now we only get fleeting glimpses at King’s Landing and Winterfell but they have such distinguishing characteristics. The set designer also deserves major accolades as this show goes above and beyond even what HBO has done in the past. It doesn’t beat you over the head with patting itself on the back, e.g. “Look at how wonderful everything is,” but serves a purpose. When the time comes, however, for the big Tournament later in the season I am sure the entire crew will take pride in their work. 

    “Lord Snow” touched briefly on the aftermath of Little Lord Fuck-pants surrendering to Arya. It’s a bit disconcerting to contrast his cowardice in episode 2 with his despotic plotting here. Of course, it’s easy to wear your big boy pants when in the company of a mother whom grants you permission to “fuck painted whores.” Anyone else get the feeling that Joffrey Baratheon might not want to fuck any girl at all? 

    I love how this scene ended with Cersei telling her son, “If you’re not one of us, you’re the enemy” with an immediate slam cut to Arya. Nice bit of foreshadowing there in the edit. Sansa is still royally pissed at her father, holding him responsible for the death of her pet dire-wolf. I can’t see that relationship mending any time soon. Arya, on the other hand, had a wonderful scene with Ned where he not only embraced his daughter’s passion but guided her like a good father should.

    This episode was layered with so many different delicious scenes. Everything from The Imp at The Wall to Arya getting her first sword lesson while her father trips out on a flashback. (“Black helicopters, man! Frodo, run Frodo!”) It wasn’t until the third act, however, that I got what I wanted. I love having characters to hate in this show and the scene with Joffery at the beginning just didn’t do it for me in that manner. Thankfully,  Viserys Targaryen and his foppish blonde locks came to save the day! I had nearly forgotten about him as all we got in episode 2 was Daenerys learning how to fuck. Fantastic job casting Harry Lloyd in the role. Some actors are just really good at generating heat. I mean, look at him!

    Doctor Who fans might remember him from the two-parter David Tennant episodes “Human Nature” and “The Family of Blood.” 

    All in all another fantastic episode. I hope HBO doesn’t make fans wait like they did with The Wire. I like it when the shows I love are annual or bi-annual events. This trend of broadcasting whenever it’s good for advertisers is really starting to suck. 

  6. Notes On A Game of Thrones “The Kingsroad”

    The word I was looking for to describe HBO’s new show A Game of Thrones on last night’s Rotcast was lascivious. I really enjoyed the pilot episode and was pleased that the network kept the show true to the spirit of the book. That spirit, however, is certainly not safe for work.

    I hoped that the second episode would prove the show could keep up its initial momentum. “The Kingsroad” proved quite decisively this is a show that is unlikely to slow down. This week we got to learn more about Jon Snow, the bastard son of Eddard Stark. I think the most revealing details can be portrayed not through dialogue but through actions. Arya’s leaping into his arms and Robb’s sincere hug goodbye laid out more backstory exposition than anything said between the characters.

    The production design on this show is really top notch. HBO certainly should be proud that every dime they spend is right there on screen, such as when we get a first glimpse at The Wall. Jon was teased earlier in the episode by Jaime Lannister for his decision to join the Night Watch. Joining means Jon has to take a vow of celibacy and live with a bunch of dudes in the harsh, frozen environments of the north. My face would be apprehensive too if met with this imposing sight:

    Yikes but I would not want to be under the age of 12 living at that place, nyuck-nyuck. Alas, this would be the only glimpsed seen of The Wall this episode.

    Kudos to the casting director for getting Jack Gleeson on this show, whose previous credits include playing Little Boy in Nolan’s Batman Begins. Joffrey is a little shit in the book for sure but Jack brings that effeminate Little Lord FuckPants look the role desperately needed. I mean, look at this face:

    I’d be nervous as fuck if I knew this little twerp had even a modicum of power.

    Somehow I didn’t think that kind of sass would go over well, and sure enough Joffery was a little bitch about the whole thing. It was quite awesome to see Arya turn the tables on him and I hope to see the following expression on his face more often this season:

    As gratifying as that sequence was, it was bound to have consequences as only inferior shows have villains get their comeuppance so soon. A Game of Thrones will frustrate fans of swift and righteous justice for sure. I thought they might ride the Sansa hate out a little more, but it was hard for to me sustain it after she was double crossed by Cersei.

    Speaking of, Lena Headey is doing a fantastic job of making you forget she’s Lena Headey. I’m reminded of what I overheard some pretentious wanker say after our screening of Win-Win was over. He was talking about Amy Ryan and said, “She’s such a transformative actress.” Um, first of all, she was a whore… I mean, first of all, she was pretty freaking average in that movie and aren’t all actresses supposed to be “transformative?” Lena Headey, however, is a good example of a word that doesn’t even mean anything. “Transformative?” What the hell are our schools teaching? Anyway, compare her in this show to, say, The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Pretty stark difference if you ask me!

    My name is Dave and I give “The Kingsroad” a yes.