1. Rotten Tomatoes Algorithm Watch 2012 (Brought To You By Matthew Goode-Time Chocolates) Tower, this is Maintenance. We’re running a skeleton crew here as most of my guys are still recovering from getting blitzed over the holidays. Holy crap, some started drinking on the 23rd and haven’t stopped. Looking at this week’s release makes me wish I had done the same. I’ve got a bad feeling about the next 6 weeks, Tower. Strange days.

    Rotten Tomatoes Algorithm Watch 2012 (Brought To You By Matthew Goode-Time Chocolates)

    Tower, this is Maintenance. We’re running a skeleton crew here as most of my guys are still recovering from getting blitzed over the holidays. Holy crap, some started drinking on the 23rd and haven’t stopped. Looking at this week’s release makes me wish I had done the same. I’ve got a bad feeling about the next 6 weeks, Tower. Strange days.

  2. Rotten Tomatoes Algorithm Watch 2011 (Brought To You By Ancient Ones Headache Powder) “Tower, this is Maintenance. Sure was nice of you to preform that dark ritual on us. Mighty kind of you for the resurrection, yes sir. What wasn’t so nice, however, was bringing us back from the dead for this dreck. I mean, seriously, WTF? Given the choice between eternal oblivion and having to suffer this living nightmare, I’ll choose the Abyss. What’s that? Say again? Christmas bonus? Well, why didn’t you say so! I love a Jelly of the Month club!” - Dave

    Rotten Tomatoes Algorithm Watch 2011 (Brought To You By Ancient Ones Headache Powder)

    “Tower, this is Maintenance. Sure was nice of you to preform that dark ritual on us. Mighty kind of you for the resurrection, yes sir. What wasn’t so nice, however, was bringing us back from the dead for this dreck. I mean, seriously, WTF? Given the choice between eternal oblivion and having to suffer this living nightmare, I’ll choose the Abyss. What’s that? Say again? Christmas bonus? Well, why didn’t you say so! I love a Jelly of the Month club!”

    - Dave

  3. Rotten Tomatoes Algorithm Watch 2011 (Brought To You By Back In The Saddle Hemorrhoid Cream) “Tower, this is Maintenance. Now honestly, what did you expect? The coder who peddled this shit on us was going around to every Server Center in the Twi-State area. That’s right I said “Twi.” Everyone knew his code was garbage but he played the law of averages and won. Now we’ve got this miss everywhere and it’s going to take most of August to clean it up. Gah, just after we came down from our Potter Party High. Here’s some friendly advice: Next time some hack job offers us free code, put his head on a pike, Joffrey-style.”  - Dave

    Rotten Tomatoes Algorithm Watch 2011 (Brought To You By Back In The Saddle Hemorrhoid Cream)

    “Tower, this is Maintenance. Now honestly, what did you expect? The coder who peddled this shit on us was going around to every Server Center in the Twi-State area. That’s right I said “Twi.” Everyone knew his code was garbage but he played the law of averages and won. Now we’ve got this miss everywhere and it’s going to take most of August to clean it up. Gah, just after we came down from our Potter Party High. Here’s some friendly advice: Next time some hack job offers us free code, put his head on a pike, Joffrey-style.” 

    - Dave

  4. Rotten Tomatoes Algorithm Watch 2011 (Brought To You By Tammy Twilight’s Tissues For Teenagers) “Tower, this is maintenance. It truly is magnificent. It took 10 years of coding to get this algorithm functioning but it was well worth it. I don’t think we’ll ever see something this glorious ever again, and in fact we may have to wait until next summer just to even come close to this kind of shine. I think we can pack it up for the summer, boys. Our job here is done. Say again, Tower. Captain America? Our job never ends? If that’s true why aren’t you paying us?!” - Dave

    Rotten Tomatoes Algorithm Watch 2011 (Brought To You By Tammy Twilight’s Tissues For Teenagers)

    “Tower, this is maintenance. It truly is magnificent. It took 10 years of coding to get this algorithm functioning but it was well worth it. I don’t think we’ll ever see something this glorious ever again, and in fact we may have to wait until next summer just to even come close to this kind of shine. I think we can pack it up for the summer, boys. Our job here is done.

    Say again, Tower. Captain America? Our job never ends? If that’s true why aren’t you paying us?!”

    - Dave

  5. Rotten Tomatoes Algorithm Watch 2011 (Brought To You By Lazybones’ Ideas For Internet Miscreants) “Tower, this is maintenance. We need a clean-up crew down here in Bay 9. The stench is overwhelming. We tried to warn you that the safety measures put in place this week would not be effective, but of course upper management had to go with the cheapest product appealing to the lowest common-denominator. Admittedly we understand the need to cut back spending this week in prep for the massive in-flux of Magical reviews. Hey, can someone tell that gorilla to shut up!” - Dave

    Rotten Tomatoes Algorithm Watch 2011 (Brought To You By Lazybones’ Ideas For Internet Miscreants)

    “Tower, this is maintenance. We need a clean-up crew down here in Bay 9. The stench is overwhelming. We tried to warn you that the safety measures put in place this week would not be effective, but of course upper management had to go with the cheapest product appealing to the lowest common-denominator. Admittedly we understand the need to cut back spending this week in prep for the massive in-flux of Magical reviews. Hey, can someone tell that gorilla to shut up!”

    - Dave

  6. Rotten Tomatoes Algorithm Watch 2011 (Brought To You By The New Book “Where’s Your God Now, Glenn Beck?” By L. T. Bastard)  “Tower, this is maintenance. It seems that last week’s protocols resulting in a Pixar Passover are not meshing well with The Miracle of Michael Bay. We’ve tripled-check the results, but we’re afraid that because Dark of the Moon is going to come in higher than a Pixar film, a demonic portal to a hellish dimension has opened. By our calculations we have only one hope to turn the tide on this monstrous cacophony: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows pt. 2 better deliver.” - Dave

    Rotten Tomatoes Algorithm Watch 2011 (Brought To You By The New Book “Where’s Your God Now, Glenn Beck?” By L. T. Bastard) 

    “Tower, this is maintenance. It seems that last week’s protocols resulting in a Pixar Passover are not meshing well with The Miracle of Michael Bay. We’ve tripled-check the results, but we’re afraid that because Dark of the Moon is going to come in higher than a Pixar film, a demonic portal to a hellish dimension has opened. By our calculations we have only one hope to turn the tide on this monstrous cacophony: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows pt. 2 better deliver.”

    - Dave

  7. Rotten Tomatoes Algorithm Watch 2011 (Brought To You By Fake Frank’s Filled Franks) “Tower, this is maintenance. It was bound to happen sooner or later. We can only hope those D.C. apologists protesting outside the building don’t cause any further damage.”  - Dave

    Rotten Tomatoes Algorithm Watch 2011 (Brought To You By Fake Frank’s Filled Franks)

    “Tower, this is maintenance. It was bound to happen sooner or later. We can only hope those D.C. apologists protesting outside the building don’t cause any further damage.” 

    - Dave

  8. Rotten Tomatoes Algorithm Watch 2011 (Brought To You By Forget-Me-Not-Not Sedative Pills) “Tower this is maintenance. The new Wayback Code is…functioning but we can’t get a good read on any performance improvements. It’s like it doesn’t know what it wants to be.” - Dave

    Rotten Tomatoes Algorithm Watch 2011 (Brought To You By Forget-Me-Not-Not Sedative Pills)

    “Tower this is maintenance. The new Wayback Code is…functioning but we can’t get a good read on any performance improvements. It’s like it doesn’t know what it wants to be.”

    - Dave

  9. Rotten Tomatoes Algorithm Watch 2011 (Brought To You By Face Full Of Stuff Body Spray)

    “Tower, this is maintenance. We investigated the Server Tower(tm) earlier in the week and found no aberrations. We still don’t know why Control introduced the G.R.E.M.L.I.N. program into the system. It was completely unnecessary this week.”

    - Dave

    (Source: rottentomatoes.com)

  10. Rotten Tomatoes Algorithm Watch 2011 (Brought To You By Mr. Fixed-It-For-You’s Campaign For Correct Movie Opinions) “Tower, this is maintenance. The new code concerning Todd Phillips’ movies appears to be working as intended. We’re in the pipe, 5 x 5.” - Dave

    Rotten Tomatoes Algorithm Watch 2011 (Brought To You By Mr. Fixed-It-For-You’s Campaign For Correct Movie Opinions)

    “Tower, this is maintenance. The new code concerning Todd Phillips’ movies appears to be working as intended. We’re in the pipe, 5 x 5.”

    - Dave

  11. Rotten Tomatoes Algorithm Watch 2011 (Brought To You By Wee Little Willie’s Fun Bags) “Uh, tower, this is maintenance. Problems seen earlier seem to have corrected themselves. Signals are green, repeat, signals are green.” - Dave

    Rotten Tomatoes Algorithm Watch 2011 (Brought To You By Wee Little Willie’s Fun Bags)

    “Uh, tower, this is maintenance. Problems seen earlier seem to have corrected themselves. Signals are green, repeat, signals are green.”

    - Dave

  12. Rotten Tomatoes Algorithm Watch 2011 (Brought To You By Stetson Condoms) “We’re in the pipe, 5 by 5.” Remember when Aliens was the kind of film released during the summer? Now we get Priest. Oh how the mighty have fallen.  - Dave

    Rotten Tomatoes Algorithm Watch 2011 (Brought To You By Stetson Condoms)

    “We’re in the pipe, 5 by 5.” Remember when Aliens was the kind of film released during the summer? Now we get Priest. Oh how the mighty have fallen. 

    - Dave

  13. Rotten Tomatoes Algorithm Watch 2011 (Now Brought To You By Whatever Crap Warner Bros. Needs To Promote!)  “Thor is mighty Marvel entertainment.”  Beep beep, does not compute. Beep beep BEEEEEEEP!

    Rotten Tomatoes Algorithm Watch 2011 (Now Brought To You By Whatever Crap Warner Bros. Needs To Promote!) 

    “Thor is mighty Marvel entertainment.” 

    Beep beep, does not compute. Beep beep BEEEEEEEP!